My Wife’s Just Faking It During a recent argument, my wife confessed that for the whole ten years of our marriage she’s been faking her orgasms. I couldn’t believe it – and I feel really angry and betrayed. I thought I was doing everything possible for her during sex. Now I don’t even want to have sex; her deception seems so cold to me. Is there any hope for our sex life? Louis: A recent survey reported that more than 60 percent of women have some problems achieving orgasm and 10 percent never have had an orgasm. So a wife’s “faking” an orgasm is not an uncommon occurrence. In a sense, your wife chose to give you many exciting nights of sexual pleasure as a loving gift. However, I can understand your disappointment in the way she hit you with this information – it must’ve been a real kick in the groin. I know my sense of being an adequate (or even super) lover has been important to my well-being. I wonder now whether your ego is so fragile that you won’t be able to change your focus from your own wounded-ness to your wife’s ten years of frustration and distress. If you can make that shift and show legitimate concern for her, there’s plenty of hope for your sex life. Your physical intimacy could become explosively erotic. Your attitude is foundational, but not the only factor. The second key issue is learning to deal with conflict more effectively. Your wife’s “confession” of her sexual frustration indicates her inability to keep short accounts. It would’ve been much less devastating to you if the two of you had talked about this with, say, nine years less accumulated tension. If you want to work toward a positive sex life, you’ll have to address other areas of your marriage – such as communicating about problems and working through them right away. Melissa: I’m glad you’ve desired in the past to “do everything possible” for her; that indicates a willingness on your part to discover what might be holding her back. And there are plenty of reasons for inorgasmia. Very rarely, a woman’s inability to achieve orgasm is tied to a physiological problem, but you could have a gynecologist evaluate that possibility. More commonly a woman doesn’t reach orgasm because some aspect of the lovemaking technique needs to be changed for her – timing, lubrication, foreplay. But most of the time the factors that hold women back from orgasm are emotional: a history of sexual abuse; unresolved guilt over premarital sexual experiences; fearfulness to release control as sexual intensity approaches climax; anger, resentment or disappointment in other areas of the marriage; a sense of sexual inadequacy reinforced by her lack of orgasm or an unrealistic expectation that a spouse won’t be able to handle the truth. And as with all sexuality issues, the side effects of drugs and alcohol must be kept in mind. Here’s the good news: your new skills in communication and sexuality are self- reinforcing. That means the better you get at connecting personally and sexually, the more exciting and fulfilling your marriage will become. Addicted to Lust My husband and I have been married seven years. During that time he’s been involved with pornography and voyeurism. He has been through therapy and counseling again and again, but nothing changes. It’s impossible for me to feel like having sex with him, since I know how much time he spends lusting after images of other women. It’s intolerable, but I’m trapped since lust doesn’t constitute biblical grounds for divorce. Am I just supposed to live with my husband’s addictions? Louis: Let me start with two disclaimers. First, I maintain a hopeful attitude about recovery, even though addictive disorders do present very difficult challenges. I’m wondering how motivated your husband really is to change. A “bottoming out” seems necessary before most addicted individuals will commit themselves to change. The most crucial ingredients are the motivation to change, the willingness for a spouse to be involved in the process and the man’s determination to seek help from God in his healing. Second, I rarely recommend divorce. The long-range effects on the individuals, families, children and our culture have been devastating. I’m glad you’ve had the bravery and determination to hang in there for seven years. Having said that, there are times when a spouse must show “tough love” – particularly in situations involving addictions. If you honestly feel there is no indication of your husband’s desire or willingness to break his addiction, it may be necessary to draw some lines. Setting sensible boundaries and sticking with them is often the only course of action that works. Reasonable limits in marriage are sexual fidelity, honesty, financial responsibility and mutual need-meeting. To clearly spell out the limits and the consequences of a mate’s refusal to abide by a commitment is well within your rights. Such boundaries should be communicated in first-person statements. For instance, you might say, “I realize you have a serious addiction. I’d like to have a relationship with you, but recognize my inability to change your behavior or to continue to live with you as long as the addiction remains. So I want to make clear my decision. I will stay with you until I have reason to believe you’re still involved in your addictive behavior. At that point I want you to move out. We can pursue a legal separation at that time (or whatever course of action seems appropriate) until I can be assured of your recovery.” If a predetermined time limit seems important to you, that should be clearly defined. Whatever boundaries you set will likely be challenged, so a great deal of resolve is necessary for this kind of intervention to be effective. This puts the ball in your husband’s court, making him responsible for changing his addiction. That’s important because most addictive personalities assume a passive, victim role, blaming others for their problems. If you’ve been carrying blame and responsibility, I encourage you to “resign” from playing the parent in a no-win scenario. You have shown great courage and character in sticking with your husband. Real Sex columnists Melissa and Louis McBurney, M.D., are marriage therapists and co-founders of Marble Retreat in Marble, Colorado, where they counsel clergy couples. Credit: Christianity Today