Diaspora Indians are a gregarious lot, but as we increasingly gain global recognition can we design a unique community known not for disparate tendencies but for a receptive, cohesive identity? We can choose to be open and gain new insights as we adapt to life abroad, or ignore relationship opportunities and hang on to parochial habits, and insular thinking. In this second article on the subject, TII continues its focus on community and the difference it can make in our personal and business lives.

Pursuing this topic as a sequel to the article in the last issue of TII has more to do with understanding the importance of community than merely examining sentimental notions of Dosti that people may have about friendship. But the purpose is also to observe what is unique about how Indians handle relationships. Such an inquiry is especially relevant for those of us living in the Diaspora, with all the challenges of living and working in an international environment. Statistics indicate every sixth human being in the 21st century will be an Indian, perhaps all the more reason to acquire skills at building friendships and living in community. Surveying the views and insights of a diverse bunch of folks, TII looks at how we enrich their lives by building community.

Living in a melting pot like the Gulf, breaking down walls that separate people is something of a mystery when it comes to making friends and building authentic community. If people are willing to take risks and explore relationships, can man-made boundaries be overcome? Can people of diverse faiths, nationalities, ideas, interests etc., establish genuine ties? Not easily, but the greatest teacher of all didn’t make ‘love one another’ the foundation of his life giving message for no reason. There are rewards for those who try, and the best laboratory to observe how this works is in community, starting with the most basic units we know –family and friends.

Peter Daniel, a senior manager with Lufthansa in Nigeria says people seek various things in friendship at various stages of their lives. “As I look back over five decades, there are some friendships that stand out,” he says going down memory lane. “My college friendships that endure to this day were formed out of the need for a ‘sense of belonging.’ Friendship at this level transcends faith, community, caste or status.” Most of his friends at this stage were from other faiths he recalls.

Peter considers the time when he lived on his own in the Gulf, away from family, as the one that shaped his spiritual thinking and stretched him as a person. He remembers how, “A handful of friends were very influential at this phase of my life. They came from diverse backgrounds – a Brit, a Filipino, an Anglo Indian, a Goan, a Lebanese and an American. One of them even after we started our own families is a still a special friend. With this particular friendship we pick up where we left off even after a break of many years, and our wives are also best friends, which is quite unusual.”

The sign of real friendship for Radha Menon, Manager, Loyalty Operations of Etihad Airways is also being able to meet or get in touch after long gaps of time, and take on the relationship just where it left off. “There should be no accusations, no grumblings and no finger-pointing… just an excited exchange of what’s been happening until we go off the air again.”

Soni Raj, an architect in Calgary, Canada, thinks, “Unconditional acceptance is what makes a good friendship great. The trust that your friends won’t judge you and yet will confront and correct you if you are wrong is vital in a great friendship,” is her opinion.

Veteran oilman Kanthi Savarirayan who has lived in Dubai for nearly 25 years considers himself privileged to have many long and enduring relationships. “My parents inculcated in me a burning desire for cultivating and nourishing enduring relationships in view of the Biblical tenet, “love thy neighbor as thyself.” They made me realize that the essence of friendship is empathy and mutual appreciation. In my life I have not allowed any limitations or barriers to remain obstacles to friendship,” enthuses the 74 year old Kanthi who acutely misses his late wife Sarojini who died of cancer last year. “I was blessed with a wife who shared this belief so we built lasting relationships that I still enjoy with a large circle of friends. Many are in Dubai but others are in different parts of India or abroad.” Kanthi also does not subscribe to the view that friendship grows only through frequent contacts. “I often get calls or letters from friends after long breaks of 15 or 20 years, not for any favors but just “to keep in touch,” he says.

Peter Daniel has noted that language and food play a significant role in friendships with fellow Indians. “Language and food have the ability to cut across boundaries of social status, education, religion and caste. However Peter has also observed, that among NRIs, even in so called “Indian Associations” though they are not faith based - one finds communal and caste based groupings and cliques.

Echoing a universal longing, Peter says, “The greatest quest and joy for me in friendships is to wonder – wonder about life, wonder about creation, wonder about meaning, wonder about truth, wonder about ideas, dreams, achievements, pain and suffering and death and new life.” It was Swami Vivekananda who wrote, ‘Religion is the soul of India and if you want to teach any subject to Indians, they understand it better if it is taught in the language of religion.’

Radha Menon considers religion a very, very personal issue. “Although I call myself a non-practicing Hindu, there are elements of the ‘religion’ I was born into that have made me very glad I was born a ‘Hindu’! ‘God’ to me is a power I can, and do consider my best-est friend. Of course, part of being a good friend is having to take the brunt of frustrated rantings! My husband practices the Hindu faith to the best of his ability, and between us we have tried to inculcate a respect for and trust in a Higher Power in our son.” However Radha believes friendship should not be restricted within the bounds of one’s faith. “True friendship will accept and respect you for what you are, not what the other person thinks you should be,” she is convinced.

Soni Raj’s view is that, “Friendships based on faith can anchor people through trials and difficulties. Genuine faith based friendships can be the most valuable relationships that we could possibly build,” she believes. However she is clear people should not be constrained to faith based friendships only. “My relationship with God is the most prominent in my life. This spiritual relationship acts as a catalyst in all my other relationships and helps me to have more fulfilling and meaningful relationships with my husband, family, friends and colleagues,” reveals Soni.

With friends of all backgrounds, Kanthi and Sarojini too found faith based friendships the most exhilarating. “They not only provide a canvas for splashing our worries and weaknesses but also weave a fabric of support and understanding to hold us together in our common hope for redemption,” says Kanthi. Whether in comfort, ecstasy or depression, friends are an essential part of my life. The love and trust that such bonds of friendship inspire, serve as a springboard to my close relationship with God,” he discloses. Kanthi remembers how his wife often pointed out another biblical precept, “if you cannot love your friends whom you can see how can you love God whom you cannot see?”

Do arranged marriages quite common with Indians have an advantage when it comes to mates becoming friends? Radha Menon is not sure. “In either case the passage of time generally creates a level of acceptance… or resignation. Issues that would have resulted in hot words and banged doors in the initial years of any marriage usually end up with eyes being rolled heavenwards and a shrug of the shoulders after 15-20 years of marriage. This could be either because a sort of friendship has developed in the interim or because the parties have realized that it’s too late for a take-it-or-leave-it situation! It’s a pity when couples part ways at the drop of a hat, or separate even after having spent decades together. I guess it’s sometimes a combustible combination of ego, impatience and intolerance.” Kanthi and Sarojini started life the traditional way with a courtship that was brief, meeting for only for about five hours the first time they saw each other, just two months before they got married. “We were from entirely different backgrounds in many respects including family, language, upbringing and geography. Neither of us knew anything about the other and the marriage was arranged by our parents, after our mutual acceptance. We were both apprehensive of the others expectations. However from our experience I feel arranged marriages have this advantage that there are no preconceived notions. Each partner is walking an unchartered path. To this extent love and friendship develops from a nascent and fluid stage and gradually blossoms into a mature intimacy that satisfies mutual expectations. In our case we found this helped to build a lasting relationship,” shares Kanthi from his experience.

After almost two decades of married life, Peter Daniel feels his need for friendship is to share joys and pains, rub minds together, draw insights from and ponder questions of life. “My wife is the best friend for me in this stage. But the demands of children greatly impinge on the time I have to devote to this friendship. As the children get older the focus shifts to this friendship again,” he anticipates.

Is the Indian family concept more genuine than the West’s? Anil Kumar, Managing Director of Futech Software Solutions who was an IT entrepreneur in California before coming to the Gulf, thinks it’s a mixed bag. “A friend of mine once commented to me about how awkward she felt about a family reunion where her parents were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary; she was planning to tell the news of her marriage break-up to her family of 12 siblings, none of whom had been divorced! Extremely loving and close, yet she was the “black sheep.” Indian marriages endure and the family sticks together despite its state of health sometimes because of social stigmas or whatever the reason. This cannot always been seen as a strength of the “Indian Family concept,” he points out. Radha Menon thinks generations of Indians grew up ingrained with the joint-family system, and after a point of time ‘family’ was taken for granted. “It’s difficult to judge whether our concepts of family values are based on our personal convictions or are leftovers from our age-old culture. When it comes to friendships, the Indian psyche is more demonstrative than the West’s. The western concept of ‘mate’ may appear more objective than the Indian ‘jigri dost’, therefore genuineness is relative,” she suggests.

Interestingly, for Joel and Janine Hockenhull a British couple in UK, who have good Indian friends, the Indian family concept is, “most definitely more genuine.” Joel is a Civil Engineer who works in the water industry, and his wife Janine runs the modern languages department at a school for 11-18 year olds where she teaches French and Spanish. Joel notes how, “Indian families seem to spend more time together than westerners. Families in western countries are more splintered, and the older members of the family tend to become isolated from the younger ones, because the western system favors economic independence.” Joel points out how this leads to older people living apart from their children, often in different towns or cities. The Hockenhulls have observed that older members of Indian families tend to be in a position to help the younger members as they often live near the rest of the family.

“Westernized Indians generally relate to others in the same way as Europeans or North Americans. The Indians I got to know in both Hong Kong and Dubai who are raised in India, tend to hold a positive attitude to work. Most of the westerners in these cities also have a similar attitude to work and so their colleagues can relate to them easily. I had Indian room-mates in Hong Kong and respected them for their attitude to work,” Joel remembers.

Compared to other nationalities are Indians more prone to relationships that are quite unrealistic in terms of expectations? Radha Menon is convinced that Indians expect you, “to automatically pledge allegiance to all your Indian colleagues, especially in a ‘foreign’ environment! It would be a perfect world if we could all be international Indians!” she laughs. But Radha doesn’t think only Indians are obsessive. “Friends of other nationalities have been irritated when I refused their invitations, and blamed my Indian-ness for wanting to spend time with family rather than friends,” she says.

Soni Raj thinks Indians definitely have a high emotional quotient. “The emotional nature which makes us open and friendly is what makes relational expectations run high,” is her analysis. Additionally she thinks the young urban generation of India, not having experienced the joint family views relationships with the extended family through the eyes of Bollywood movies and soap operas which portray unrealistic relationships.”

Anil Kumar looks at it differently, “I don’t know if I would call them unrealistic, but our expectations are probably misplaced when we move abroad. They are not the same. In India friendships come more naturally, whereas abroad “they need to be worked on.” When I was in the US we even had little groups and a person who kind of created the “occasions” to meet. What we took for granted back in India is more ‘forced’ abroad to put it crudely. In India we tend to acquire friends, but expats tend to make contacts, as part of the overall process of networking!”

Anil thinks that East-West friendships need work until people get past the stages of getting to know each other. Gauging if there are racist tendencies, inflexible religious or language barriers and mutual acceptance is important. After living almost two decades abroad he finds relationships in India too are superficial and challenging as they can be overseas. “India has changed over time and while Indians definitely value friendships, it’s drifting towards more co-dependent acquaintances. We find more and more common ground with people we meet in the countries we live in and tend to mix with.”

But people are people and Radha Menon feels, “If you’re lucky enough to meet a true friend then geographic borders, colour of the skin, mother tongues or political views really don’t matter. East-West-Northern Hemisphere-Southern Hemisphere divisions will be just by-the-way.”

Soni Raj agrees with Radha on the issue, “A family grounded on solid principles of faith, love and trust is as genuine in the east as in the west. With globalization the line between east and west is fast disappearing and it would not be a fair comparison.”

In today’s increasingly xenophobic world, Indians should remember how diverse and inclusive our heritage actually is. In the Diaspora unless we choose to be, we need not succumb to influences that create barriers like it happens in India. We are free to build a kinship with our fellow countrymen and the many other nationalities we work and live with, and we have a real opportunity to create a unique international community. If we succeed in such a quest it can set us apart from so many other diasporas and eliminate the misconceptions and stereotypes about what Indians are all about.