It is fascinating to observe how countries with wide exposure to foreign cultures still develop ultra- national mindsets. But life is different in the Diaspora melting pot, some change is inevitable even for the most confined minds.

As a desi who has lived abroad for nearly four decades in the US and the Middle East, I often reflect on how life overseas changes our thinking from the days when we lived in India. In what areas do NRIs adapt and become open to fresh thinking? What is the difference between the international vs the desi experience? With India now opening up like never before, is it just a matter of time before the onslaught of satellite TV and globalization turns Indian values upside down? In food, fashion, family, feudality, faith and fortune is change seriously happening in Indian society ? India has constantly experienced foreign influences throughout history so how do so many Indians become so hidebound and why does the notion of desi have mostly narrow implications? It is fascinating to observe how countries with wide exposure to foreign cultures still develop ultra- national mindsets. But life is different in the Diaspora melting pot, some change is inevitable even for the most confined minds.
For someone born in Beirut, Lebanon and raised in the Netherlands, Malaysia and Kuwait, does Indian parentage make much of a difference or does the lack of growing desi roots make a greater impact? Anne-Marie Vadassery is the youngest of three children who knew life abroad before they knew India. Her parents lived outside India for almost all their married life since her father worked in the airline industry. Aside from occasional holidays visiting relatives and friends in India, she only truly got to know India when she was sent to boarding school there at the age of 13. Her parents moved back to India a year later, when her Dad retired. Anne-Marie left India again when she got married 10 years after that and her family has lived in Dubai ever since.

Is Indian parentage and upbringing all pervasive?

“I can’t honestly say I have a predominant culture operating in me, as my parents exposed us to a smorgasbord of cultures right from the very beginning,” admits Anne-Marie. “The three of us never did latch onto our Indian heritage even as our individual identities emerged. While our parents made sure we knew our roots, primarily through all those holidays to India, our home was never particularly oriented towards a single influence. Be it in the people we called friends, or the type of food we ate, or the different schools we went to, or our parents’ outlook on life, there truly was nothing ethnocentric about life in our family.” Does she feel that’s harmed her? “Not at all. I’m truly grateful to have had the parents I did for I much prefer the kaleidoscope to the monochrome, or even the duotone,” is Anne-Marie’s frank analysis.
Indian parentage and upbringing is not all pervasive, the environment in which one is raised clearly has a significant impact, perhaps more than we realize. So what really gives us our identity if it’s not Bharat Mata for every Indian who leaves its crowded shores?
Prakash Savarirayan who has lived in the US since 1985 gives us an important clue. “In the long run I realized, and I can speak for my wife Asha as well, that it is really what we believe in that defines us and gives us identity - starting with our faith. For the rest of it, the feeling of being ‘global’ citizens, rather than only Indian and or American, prevails,” is how Prakash sees it.
For Prakash the biggest difference when it comes to worldview is in the areas of spirituality and awareness of our cultural roots. He feels growing up in India people take their (good) circumstances for granted. Life in India meant the security and support of parents, with an extensive network of family and friends. It’s not quite the same overseas Prakash points out. “In spending (almost) the second half of our lives abroad (mostly in the US) and away from our roots, although relatively comfortable in our day to day living with family life, spiritual life, careers, and friends, we became more acutely aware of the need for God’s presence in our lives and His blessings. We also feel a greater appreciation for our Indian culture, although a lot of this is also driven by nostalgia. The only aspect of family life that constantly pulls hard at our emotions everyday is not having our parents in close proximity.”

India: So near yet so far

India however is very real for the Gulf NRI, much more than the faraway NRIs in America. Sushil Samtani has been in the Gulf almost twenty years and looking back he feels like he’s been in a time warp. “My UAE stay…I can almost call it a sojourn…19 years, on a fragile employment visa prevents any ‘I-am-growing-roots-here’ kind of notion! Hence India is all pervasive and looming in the Gulf NRI’s mind most of the time.” Sushil reflects the dilemma faced by many Indians in the Gulf, “UAE has been ‘home’ for almost half my life and the only home my two girls have known.”  He thinks most if not all Indians will say they miss India a lot and want to go back - India being so near yet so far because going back is not an easy decision. “That for me is the essence of India for us international Indians,” Sushil observes.
Sushil’s overseas experience has made him more discerning about how Indians overseas must learn to face the kind of discrimination that is quite common in India. “As an expatriate I have perceived the different partitions in society says Sushil. “In India it is caste and profession based, abroad, it takes on color. Back home considerations based on such divisions were almost de rigueur but they never set the mind thinking…out of India it hits hard and has a sobering effect. I for one, dread situations with such connotations, for I am loath to steer away by my sense of right and wrong.”
“As an Indian in India,” says Eslinda Ribeiro, “one generally lives within the confines of one’s community, in my case Goan Catholic, and the conditioning and programming that one is fed from birth. One goes around with blinkers, as it were, in a very insular world, staying with what is familiar, being very often critical and judgmental of those who do not fit our worldview.”
She feels that moving away from one’s country to another and especially to a place like Dubai you get out of your comfort zone and interact with many different nationalities. “We experience change in every area of life - at work, through our children at school, church, recreational activities, etc. We also meet and interact more with other Indian communities: Malayalees, Sindhis, Gujaratis, etc. which would not necessarily have been the case when living in India. Gradually the realization dawns there are indeed many different ways of living and it is all good!”
Perhaps in the end, as Anne-Marie also speculates, “Maybe these differences work to our advantage, as we watch our similarities separate into diversity of attitude, perception, thought and deed, and then blend together into a nation rich in those very same components.”

Changes on a professional and personal level

Sonali Bhattacharya, a senior magazine writer in the UAE admits with candor that, “I’ve seen a lot of changes in my personality ever since I became an NRI, both on a professional and personal level.” Sonali worked in senior positions as a journalist in New Delhi but finds the international exposure in Dubai, a big advantage. “Professionally I have learnt to deal with different nationalities, which is something that I was not exposed to in India. For instance when I am interviewing people from the Gulf region or from Europe whose native language is not English, I have to slow down while asking my questions and use really simple words in order to get my meaning across. Often I must pose the same question in different ways before they understand what I am saying,” she explains.
“On the other hand, when I am dealing with native English speakers then they have to slow down a little bit for me as they have very pronounced accents which I sometimes find difficult to follow. It’s very interesting, thrilling and challenging to deal with different nationalities on a daily basis,” she says.
Her style of dressing for work has also changed ever since she came here. Whereas in India she would wear casuals or traditional clothes to work, here she is inclined to more corporate western outfits. “I have also got used to easy access to better technology, amenities and plush offices, which is not something that can be said of the newspaper offices back home,” she points out. “I have also become more patriotic now, more independent as a woman and more money conscious,” she says in a quiet, introspective tone.

Differences Between Resident And Non-Resident Indians

We are all desis in one sense, but what are the differences between resident and non-resident Indians? Anne-Marie’s opinion is that while lifestyle, class, status and wealth would be the simplistic explanations of a couple of decades ago,  these are no longer valid indicators of the contrast between those living within India and those living outside it. “Instead, resident Indians now show greater pride in actually choosing to remain in India to ‘make it big’, compared to the earlier yen for employment ‘abroad’. As for the non-resident, retiring in India just may be the salve for years spent being a fifth wheel in a country that you can never truly call home.” The other difference she has noticed is, “How children in India are street-smart in coursing through the demands of life, while their non-resident counterparts are more naive about the same demands, often needing adult assistance to identify and handle any crisis. Resilience seems to be the forte of the resident Indian’s decisions, too,” is her assessment. The NRI’s decision-making is instead often governed by nostalgia and an overarching need for community. 
Sonali’s thoughts might seem to contradict Anne-Marie but both views are relevant in different contexts. “On a personal level,” says Sonali, “I have become more independent as I can’t afford the army of servants I used to have in India. Out here I do all the housework myself. Initially I found it very tough to strike the work-life balance, but now I have got used to it and have organized my schedule in such a manner that everything runs like clockwork in my house. So now if I were to move to London or New York I would be able to get on with my life there without a hitch. And the best part is, that my family also participates in the housework and we have divided chores so that each one does their bit. This is something that never used to happen in India. They would not even lift their own plates there,” she says with a laugh.

Challenges on the homefront

The biggest challenges to life overseas are probably on the homefront, especially with raising children. Today’s kids in India itself are very different from pre-satellite TV days when the impact of the western juggernaut was not as strong as it is today, so how do NRI parents cope with the challenges of raising children abroad? Sushil is quite concerned, “I have seen most of us generally unsuccessful in passing on cultural values to our children. Blame it on lack of time with a set of working parents and no grandparents around to do the ‘Amar Chitra Katha’ bit or lack of adequate pride in the face of aggressive and popular western mores and icons. This rankles and needs more expat community effort to tackle on a macro level,” he feels.
Prakash emphasizes the need for, “A sense of identity, based on faith, family, and heritage. Our childhood memories are based on life in India, but our children are growing up overseas. In our son’s case, Shaan has had the privilege of experiencing much more than I ever did while growing up. He has first-hand experience of India, Dubai, most countries in Europe especially during our stay in Europe, and of course US and Mexico.  He has the feel of being a global citizen at the age of 13!”
Eslinda notes a shift in perception with expanding awareness as one absorbs different cultures, almost by osmosis when people begin to incorporate different food habits, leisure activities, even celebrating common festivals. “This then is reflected in the way we bring up our children teaching them a more tolerant, understanding and compassionate way of interacting with the various races and social groups we meet. We become ‘international/global’ easily able to set up home and work in any country after having experienced life overseas in a multi-cultural setting like Dubai.”
Her daughter Maya believes being in Dubai has made a significant difference to her professional life, “It has given me opportunities for accelerated career growth that I probably would never have had in India and interacting with different nationalities in the work place has broadened my perspective.” She does not compartmentalize or judge people as much as she may have done if she was living in India. “However, no matter where in the world I live, I will always be Indian at the core...my Indianness is an integral part of who I am!” she declares. 
Tom Mathew is one person who experienced the India-overseas change in two steps – coming to Dubai first and then moving to the US specifically to California. “ India three decades ago was a closed country in many ways and I felt the world opened up for me when I left. I have a Bachelors in Chemical Engineering with a Masters in Business, and in India people tend to get slotted  into positions. I was in Engineering though I felt my strengths were in marketing and business. I made the switch in Dubai where I found the opportunities were much greater and I was able to advance my career significantly. Culturally there was not much of a shift between India and Dubai, but going to the US was a different experience. American society is very liberal compared to Dubai or India so that was a big adjustment.
“I was fortunate to be based in San Jose in the Silicon Vally, which from a technology perspective is the nerve centre of the world. I was able to access information and meet people who spurred my thinking and developed my worldview and they were like a whetstone for my appetites,” he enthuses. Although in business all went well initially, and the opportunities and resources were there, things took a turn for the worse when a family and spiritual situation arose, which he had not anticipated, that subsequently led to his getting divorced. “Setting that aside,” says Tom, “I had a general sense that there was almost nothing I could not do in the United States, I had the feeling that the world was at my feet in a sense.”
Tom was not comfortable  raising his family in the US. “I had a purely Indian upbringing, and I left India when I was 30 years old - parents have much less control in the US because of the peer pressure faced by kids and the kind of society you live in. I would have preferred to have an Indian cultural setting in an American society, which is difficult to do. I would have wanted my children to be more Indian than they are now. However on the other hand they have also had opportunities which they might not have had in India – so it’s a delicate balance. I was on the fringes of the dilemma called ABCDs –American Born Confused Desis. I wish my children had closer ties with my family in India, they are less sensitive to Indian cultural issues. I consider myself an Indian, I don’t think my children necessarily consider themselves Indian, and they have both married Americans.”

The Ugly Indian

Indians overseas perhaps because of conditions back home, seem to mostly change for the better wherever they go. “Our work and conduct remains our calling card,” says Sushil. In the Diaspora we focus hard on our work and careers as we know we do not make a natural fit in the Arab or the Western world. “I have seen the ‘argumentative Indian’ shed his compulsive tendency and be more selective in how he communicates. One can’t help but develop a sense of humor to cope with life as an expat. The NRI gets more phlegmatic as he is generally the least aggressive of nationalities. Not a very good thing to become, I can assure you!” laments Sushil.
What about the notorious Indian behavior associated with the phrase, ‘We are like that only,’ the disgusting, overbearing, even corrupt Indian traits that seem to be ingrained in the national character? Things like delaying flights that might be missed by making hoax calls seem to be more common in India than in other countries, breaking queues, spitting on the roads etc., With large Indian expatriate populations Gulf countries have banned the import of Betel leaves due to the paan chewing and spitting habits of Indians but the demand is high and the product somehow finds its way in, it seems there are certain typical traits that some Indians insist on bringing overseas.
“The typical lack of civic sense in the average Indian is thrown into stark relief out of the country,” says Sushil Samtani. Curiously, millions of NRIs haven’t made a dent on this issue back home! Do we lapse back to default mode after deplaning (witness the ‘paan’ stains on the aerobridge at Mumbai airport when disembarking) or is it the sheer scale of the chaos that thwarts any effort? Could it be compulsive in our genetic makeup? Recently, cameras caught a commuter checking left and right before spitting his paan juice in the spanking new Dubai Metro. (No prizes for guessing where he was from.) Yet we appreciate and enjoy the systems and infrastructure, it’s just that unlearning our native conditioning takes a little more time.”
Sushil is convinced there is life beyond the ‘paratha’ and the ‘butter chicken’ as one savours the other side offering ‘paella’ and the ‘sushi’ even as we make space on our table for the  ‘hummous’  next to the chutney.