When it comes to family and friends are Indians different from other nationalities? Do you believe in deep friendships? How many good friends do you have? How many friendships have you lost? Are you always ready to make new friends? Do you like to have many or just a few? Living abroad, away from our extended families and the India we miss, there is a need for good friends. How do we choose them, keep them and build our relationships? Are there any East-West lessons we can learn? In TIIs continuing ‘Desh Aur Diaspora’ series, we take a look at one of the most fascinating aspects of our lives.

Completing nearly six decades on planet earth, I’ve come to the understanding that the best friendships are not deep, but deep and wide. Deep friendships can be gratifying, but they invariably set up expectations and make promises that are difficult to keep no matter how good the intentions are. Resentment begins to accumulate when high expectations are not met and people begin to feel trapped. There comes the feeling of being taken advantage of, and unless people are more understanding and willing to be flexible with their expectations, such friendships generally do not last. Nonetheless a lot of people get into deep relationships and invest so much of their lives only to be disappointed and frustrated many years later.

Marriage-potentially the greatest friendship in the world is one that most of us seriously violate and only a few succeed in rebuilding, though the relationship is probably never restored completely. Finding the abiding love of a man or a woman is one of the toughest quests in life, yet after a couple hooks up and commits to each other for life, why do things fall apart so often? It is the one friendship where mutual needs can genuinely be met, and it offers the greatest opportunity for a companion who can truly make a difference in our lives. Experience seems to indicate even deeply cherished, long married relationships can fall into a hole. They must be wide as they are deep, possibly the deeper the relationship, the wider it must be to be truly meaningful.

I’ve always wondered whether our greatest love songs are unknowingly written about the greatest Love of all, a true relationship with the Creator - not with a fellow human being. Far above human capacity, the ocean of divine love is so deep and so wide we cannot fathom it. Perhaps that’s why we yearn for more depth and understanding in our relationships – because our divine role model designed us to be unique. Ultimately then it is our Creator that we seek through all our fragile earthly bonds.

Life in the Gulf with all its advantages, adds its own peculiar facets to expatriate life. One curious fallout in the NRI scenario, is the impact on relationships. In the concern for building a nest egg, individual values and relationships seem to take a beating. Stories abound of the “Indian communal crab” mentality but there is also a curious tendency of people not to acknowledge those who lent them a helping hand or to keep old friends who fell behind in the race for prosperity. Genuine appreciation can be the cement for a long term connection, but many people find it hard to be grateful for help given when it was most needed.

This is a particularly sensitive issue for many Gulf NRIs because their coming out of India was usually facilitated by a friend or a relative. I arrived here because a certain MS Prasad, a friend of a friend who once owned businesses in Dubai and Abu Dhabi, wanted some help launching a new business. He paid for my ticket to Dubai and put me up in his flat during my initial stay. He is back in India but I can never forget his kindness to me - he didn’t really need me to help him, he just made a way for me to get a break. There are other friends like that I cannot forget even if they have forgotten me. Such people have helped so many individuals start a new life, but in return their family or friends keep a distance, or cut ties and rarely acknowledge their existence.

Friendships however are one area of my life where I admit I have not invested enough time even though I’ve had some great friends. That’s a deliberate reference to the past – many of my friends and I hardly keep in touch so I can’t presume on their current affections, although I know some of them would protest at this. But the fact is distance doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder - we human beings remember selectively and forget easily. The ability to pickup where you left off regardless of the reason or duration is valuable in friendships. I agree one must be a friend to have a friend but the best friendships I’ve figured cannot just be deep, they must be deep and wide, not holding you back in anyway.

Observing other cultures with regard to friendship is a good learning experience. Different nationalities living in a melting pot like the Gulf, have to learn tolerance and how to maintain boundaries. The dynamics of the expatriate life are very interesting as one can observe the entire spectrum of human interaction from blatant racism to heartwarming situations of mutual respect and understanding. What sort of friendship skills do we pass on to our children? Most of us tend to mingle only with our own, but it’s fascinating to watch those who breakaway from narrow racial groups and make the effort to cultivate a variety of friends. It’s also pathetic to see many folks stick only to their own kind, with some desis perversely going the extra mile, preferring only their own caste communities even among their countrymen.

Relationships are key in business and the success stories of Indians worldwide paradoxically does indicate they are as good as anybody else in building networks and succeeding in virtually every field of human endeavor.

Amartya Sen in his book The Argumentative Indian, points out that the flourishing Indian Diaspora is an indication of India’s interactive presence. “ Ideas as well as people have moved across India’s borders over thousands of years, enriching India as well as the rest of the world,” he points out. Rabindranath Tagore noted, “Whatever we understand and enjoy in human products instantly becomes ours, wherever they might have their origin.” Nonetheless living in multinational environments undoubtedly brings challenges and such learning opportunities are not easily available in India. Although there are many expatriates in the country today, they are hugely outnumbered and most Indians are not exposed to close interaction with other nationalities. However western values, not all of them desirable, are clearly impacting Indians through satellite television and the effects are visible in the way our society is changing.

I once did an exercise where I asked a bunch of people I was addressing to list all the factors they believed make people different. I requested they avoid the all encompassing generic term ‘culture,’ asking them to break it down. A long list came forth – food, clothes, language, values, attitudes, work ethic, etc., and the inevitable –race and skin color. I asked whether it was possible that every single trait or habit they had indicated could be learned, changed or adapted over a period of time. How long would someone take to learn a language or adapt to different kinds of food, clothing etc.? I enquired doesn’t intermarriage even remove race and skin color differences? When I asked if there was anybody who was certain their son or daughter would marry only someone of their own race and culture - there were no takers! The fact is we can choose to stay different or enjoy learning and adapting.

Are women better at maintaining friendships than men? From my experience I would definitely say my wife is better at keeping her friendships, even the long distance ones, although she is probably not as good at making them because she feels she has enough! I’m not sure gender makes a difference, but women seem to balance relationships better, they are not so competitive so that probably helps. Guys immediately start sizing up one other to identify any potential threats to their way of thinking, their work and women. Psychologist Shelley E. Taylor who wrote the The Tending Instinct, says when faced with stress men tend to be aggressive or withdraw – the ‘fight or flight’ behavior. Women call a friend. In group gatherings, people mostly gravitate to the ‘life of the party,’ focusing on someone who is usually an extrovert and holds people’s attention. Strong, silent types who like to engage in thinking discussions invariably get the short end of the stick and those disinterested in alcohol do not win many friends either.

Maybe because of how relationships work in India there’s something about Indians that seems to make us very possessive about our friends. Our concept of boundaries in relationships is often non-existent. Urban life in India is crowded and privacy is a luxury for city dwellers. You don’t find this so much in the West where people have more space and are much freer in their relationships, in ways that are probably good and not so good. Learning to balance the best of both is a skill worth learning in friendships. What westerners would consider stifling, Indians would probably approve and cherish as some Bollywood films tend to depict. How much of it is really played out in the Indian context?

I recall one particular incident with a family friend who should know better, having lived abroad for many years. We were at a community gathering and my wife who always attracts little kids, had this adorable toddler who chose to sit on her lap. Our common friend whose children are much older, (in fact one was almost a teenager at the time), became absurdly possessive, publicly berating my wife for ignoring her grown-up kids! Making the relationship even more circumspect, when our grandchildren arrived from Canada, the same individual thoughtlessly commented, that we would henceforth probably ignore her kids! Such bizarre conduct might pass as an indication of ultimate Dosti in a Bollywood film, but looking back it clearly indicated a friendship that appeared to be deep but was certainly not wide enough. Needless to say there is a trail of unnecessary hurt and misunderstanding and the relationship needs mature handling and repair. One side believes the relationship should give much more. The other is baffled at how such one-sided thinking ignores a considerable investment in the relationship. Time could bring healing, but only if the relationship gains more depth and width.

From my experience, I would describe most exclusive, deep friendships as “unfulfilling.” Most of us are unable to deliver on our expectations and do what is required to consistently sustain such relationships over the years. Avoiding such bonds is probably better for all concerned. Often they come at the expense of declining other links with people that may not have been as deep but could have been meaningful and possibly developed over a period of time. It’s amazing how just one or two exclusive, deep relationships can prevent you from having more friends. I realized folks who wanted to be our friends figured we were “committed” to a restricted few and kept aloof. Regrettably, so did we, since we thought we had no need of them.

When I meet folks who seem to have plenty of friends, I wonder how they do it. Its obvious most of their relationships are superficial, nonetheless where mutual respect and good motives exist one can see that valuable inputs are generated mutually, I’ve always regretted my incompetence at engaging effectively in such casual interactions. You often hear people say, “I can’t be bothered with making small talk.” I used to be that way until I realized that we are all limited to a few good friends and must get along with people wherever we meet them. Not all small talkers are superficial, some are highly skilled conversationalists who can systematically work through a group easily, sorting out who they want to network with and selectively add a few to their list of friendships. Larry King in his book, “How To Talk To Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere reveals that asking questions is the secret of good conversation. King points out that Why? is the greatest question of all time. It is the one word he uses more than any other on his long running television show on CNN.

Cultivating links in the context of spiritual community has led me to see the value of dialogue with people of various nationalities and different faiths. Sharing my own beliefs in different forums and learning more about what others believe has been a significant learning curve for me, deepening the understanding of my own and other faiths. Perhaps the biggest lesson I have learned is to eliminate being in awe of religious middlemen and discount adherence to man-made traditions in matters of what we believe. Our faith is not our own if we mindlessly accepted it because it was handed down and we are not sure it can bear scrutiny.

In my own situation I finally came to the decision that I would not give my allegiance to groupthink and superficial spiritual customs no matter how impressive or longstanding. It wasn’t easy to let go, gripped by an inherited belief system it took me a long time to see the difference between a vertical relationship with God and following supposedly sacred man-made dictates. Rather than allow tradition keep control, I accepted a path that has brought real freedom, peace and purpose. In this regard so many people are clearly missing the wood for the trees, though many do it out of ignorance and inadequate consideration because life is so busy and their concept of success is a destination.

It is reasonable to have deep friendships with people of the same faith, and they can be especially meaningful if the search for the truth is genuinely shared. But major differences of opinion are inevitable in spiritual discussions and they can eliminate friendships if they are not received with an open mind or resolved. Iron can sharpen iron but in many situations where religion is controlled and manipulated, fundamentalism seems to breed easily. Putting God in a little box is another outcome because peer pressure is so high in closed faith communities. People quickly create a ‘mutual agreement society’ and nobody thinks to question the status quo. When someone comes along who challenges groupthink or if an existing member wants to break free from the herd, conflict is inevitable - something most of us try to avoid. In my own faith journey and experience of what is mostly misunderstood as “Church,” I’ve abandoned the ‘bricks and mortar’ notion for a co-op where people are free to debate and engage one another with truth and grace. This means risk and conflict occasionally, but only in such a network can personal growth happen and the meaning of loving one another be fully understood.

Intimacy with immediate family probably presents the most difficult of all relational situations. Family values maybe foundational for Indians, nonetheless so is the complexity and hypocrisy that is often well hidden. I come from a large family and I am bewildered when I recall some of the dynamics of our unit until our lives stabilised and we started to mature in our acceptance of one other, a process that still goes on. My observations and experience leave me convinced that the ‘blood is thicker than water’ perception does not necessarily endure or always apply across the board. The presumptions, expectations and often undeserved sentiments family members inflict on one another are astonishing. We wouldn’t dare to treat outsiders in our life the way we treat the people we are supposed to love the most.

Nonetheless the fact remains that all my deep friendships had a significant impact on my life. At times they shifted important paradigms in crucial areas of my life that would otherwise have kept me going in directions I would not have wished to be stuck in. But while I’m convinced about their contribution, I believe I should have made them wider, and not permitted them to remain narrow and stifling, which is what happened to some of them. I can’t blame anyone, I know I have also had that effect on people who came across my path and thought they needed my inputs for whatever reason. I’ve realized that trying to shield, rescue, judge, or manage people’s lives around me, including my own children’s lives, my wife and my friends is seldom a good idea. Better to admit we are all quite powerless in this regard. People’s lives are their business and their Creator’s - if they choose to have him involved. Others can play a role only if invited and in a very limited way.